I am removing this poem because well, because. I am better today, generally not as sad. I need to be more dedicated about my painting. I worked on one today but I am listless about it. It looks generally good so far and is coming along but I just do not have that crazy passion I normally get for them. Perhaps that is the doldrums I am in, causing me to be so lax when I never usually am. Life is change and today I rolled over a bit into the acceptance of what can not be. Am I sad about that, oh you can bet on it. Actually I am not quite sure how I will recover from it and I am struggling with it. I had such hopes, crazy unrealistic hopes, and this drive of belief that fed me and my work....(edited section out) .... Anyway I have to find my work again and I am plain sad and painting birds just feels like heartbreak right now, so I want to paint something else, I hate birds today. Still I work on the crane, the lonely shadow crane, with such heartbreak in it. It is such a cool painting despite the orange undertone. I might freeze just looking at it, washed out freeze, blue, blue whites with some yellow and violets. Like a drained soul. Sometimes the way the world is organized is so artificial and it does not allow for how things can be. I wish I were more brave,.... Although I am so damn grateful for what was, I would be an idiot a thousand times over and I take none of feeling this back. It is worth it, so I am sad, so what? I am strong enough to still believe in dreams.