Saturday, November 01, 2008
I almost gave up on it today, the painting thing. It would be so much easier to have my weekends to spend doing the necessary house tasks and not feel a sense of need to paint. I could just let it go, like those around me expect will happen. I find such expectations depressing and they pull at me seductively with the numbness they promise. I worked anyway and enjoyed the drawing as I do. Yet I still have a sense of emptiness after it, as if I cannot get the conversation right. Things always seem to go favorably when I am ready to give up. I slave away on the painting and want to scrap the damn thing and I bully through it and bammo it works. I find that I have to feel hope for the painting in order to get it right. The daydream of what it will become leads me. I am sorry, I have been an excellent listener, but in this I will not obey. Whatever it is, this silly thing leads me to my work and without it I am aimless. So I am not listening for once, I am disobeying you, I must. I walk the edges what is heavy already needs no help getting solid.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
Giving up is not you, it is them.
Keep breathing, keep painting!
I know I am still working, just lots of discouraging news lately and I miss my good muse...
argh.
-Corby
I think you put that well - the daydream of what the painting will become leads you. I can see that when I'm learning a new tune or striving for a nuance or style in my playing. I can hear in my mind an echo - or something - of how I want it to sound. Sometimes the disparity between the reality and that echo that is what I want is so discouraging. Then I think I should just put the thing down (into the fire) and wash the freakin' dishes. But when I don't play, I don't hear that daydream - echo - and I become a "civilian" no longer serving in the struggle for that what - ideal? - no matter how far out of reach it is. It's about the struggle, the search, the making of the path to whatever it is. I know you won't give that up.
dw-
Always so thoughtful with your comments and I appreciate that. It is the struggle, a small mirror of life. Things push us around and get in the way and frustrating and and and and... No I am not giving up, but sometimes I think it might be nice to be generally normal and not over think everything. Come home from a long day and not work more, have a life...
-Corby Hussein Hawk
Post a Comment