I tell you everyone is saying, oh won't you be so glad when your show is all over and I look at them and just think what? Then the reality hits and I want to stall time but even now it is flying past me. I did not say anything, I couldn't even then I followed the rules. So today honestly I am wreck and I do not even know if I have the guts to start this work.. I have to let go and I am so sick of that kind of pain lately, letting go. Even hope feels bitter sweet and hurts right now. What could I do? I want to go sit next to that work and just be with it and hold it near me one last day one last time before I do something new. I need the old brush strokes and the old room where my dreams were and I just cannot seem to pick myself up and get there. Damn this feeling is always the one I get before bad news slams me. I am desperate as if something is happening that I cannot see. Maybe I am just getting paranoid since there is so much bad news lately.

It is the funniest thing, I cannot paint this painting because I am afraid it will lead to bad news. I am actually afraid to paint it. That is a new one for me.