A link to a delicious but controversial Jesus
apparently people are offended that he is nude (sigh). So the body is still not seen as beautiful but profane. Speaking of the body, I met Carolee Schneeman tonight and shook her hand. It was cool...

"I wanted my actual body to be combined with the work as an integral material-a further dimension of the construction...I am both image maker and image"
-Carolee Schneeman

Liberty

Liberty, I got outside as evening was coming today. I walked on a familiar path that has been shaded with a sinister tone since a killer had been hanging out there. Supposedly the man in question has been caught but the place still has an aura of the event. I hate that, I have to avoid a familiar place of escape because of a human predator. So, today was the first I time in a long time that I was willing to return.

I love the small feeling of wildness I get when I am surrounded by nature. I reconnect to myself, that I am for a moment unconventional, unbound, and not so domesticated.

The air was thick with the smell of tannin, the decay of oak leaves in the small pond tingeing a deep brown. The yellow willow wands were glowing against the dark water. The frogs were making their loud resonant cries. It was a warm beautiful evening as clouds rolled in over the sunset.

I left before it became too dark, still thinking of safety. As I left I was thinking of myself in the future, fit and tall walking two giant dogs with my blonde hair streaked with white, formidable. That is how I choose to be, not this meek thing sissing around like a mouse. Wild as it should be, stewing my plants to make things as I had once so loved to do. Knowing their names, properties and colors when cooked. Today I felt so much like those early spring plants peeking out from the leaves, anemic from the lack of light but pushing upwards.

2 weeks of only 1 set of work = a slice of heaven.

Eureka!! So the obvious for me has been finally made visible-phew-. I got there with the gaze reflection (yes I can really brood over a theme). I had a conversation today that lead me to it, as in a dance back and forth until my mind clasped it. Dear reader do you wonder what I am referring to? It is an intensely important element in my work that I was overlooking in its significance. I was not listening so well to my own self and what I need from what I am doing. It is a silly aspiration, but can I stop time? Like a memorized gaze that repeats in your minds eye? I take them like mental photographs to thwart the eventuality of endings and dwell there in those little frozen spaces. I have touched it again and again with my eyes.

so pallid that our pupils could as soon
make out a pearl upon a milk-white brow-
so I saw many eager faces to speak,
and fell to the error opposite the one
that kindled love for a pool in the smitten Greek.
And thinking the pale traces I saw there
were reflected images, I turned around
to face the source-but my eyes met empty air.

-Dante Alighieri The Divine Comedy, Paradiso, Canto III

Swan Gaze

I wonder at the gaze, it has struck me twice with such clarity today.

The first time was when I was avoiding work and enjoying some above 40 degree weather, by doing one of my favorite activities, watching birds. I love to witness moments of behavior that seem particular and momentary. I noticed two swans, a male and a female gesturing to each other. In order to truly look at one and other they have to twist their heads a bit due to the location of their eyes. They were moving their necks up and down twisting their heads to see into each others eyes. I could not distinguish which one initiated the dance but I was struck by the intimacy of their gazes towards each other.

Then as I attended a wake tonight I saw some old movies from the 1940s. As I watched the light filled images dance, I was witness to the cameraman's fondness for his sweetheart. He idled the camera over her face and her soft gaze looked up at him. A look, the little thing we remember and hold with us, to be noticed and made special by another.

Thinking, tangling shadows in the deep solitude.
You are far away too, oh farther then anyone.
Thinking, freeing birds,dissolving images,
burying lamps.

-Pablo Neruda

Bird Snow Angel Reprise

XVII

Here I love you.
In the dark pines the wind disentangles itself.
The moon glows like phosphorus on the vagrant waters.
Days, all one kind, go chasing each other.

The snow unfurls in dancing figures.
A silver gull slips down from the west.
Sometimes a sail. High, high stars.

Oh the black cross of a ship.
Alone.
Sometimes I get up early and even my soul is wet.
Far away the sea sounds and resounds.
This is a port.
Here I love you.

Here I love you and the horizon hides you in vain.
I love you still among the cold things.
Sometimes my kisses go on those heavy vessels
that cross the sea towards no arrival.
I see myself forgotten like those old anchors.
The piers sadden when the afternoon moors there.
My life grows tired, hungry to no purpose.
I love what I do not have. You are so far.
My loathing wrestles with the slow twilights.
But night comes and starts to sing to me.

The moon turns its clockwork dream.
The biggest stars look at me with your eyes.
And as I love you, the pines in the wind
want to sing your name with their leaves of wire.

-Pablo Neruda translated by W.S. Merwin

A meme I am borrowing from a blogger named udge
Typed in my recent birthday sans the year into Wikipedia

Events on the day that are of interest:

1739- Nadir Shah occupies Delhi in India and sacks the city, stealing the jewels of the Peacock Throne.
1815 - Napoleon enters Paris after escaping from Elba with a regular army of 140,000 and a volunteer force of around 200,000, beginning his "Hundred Days" rule.
1899 - At Sing Sing prison, Martha M. Place is sentenced to become the first woman executed in an electric chair.
1916 - Albert Einstein publishes his general theory of relativity.
1985 - Libby Riddles becomes the first woman to win the 1,135-mile Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race.

Other Birthdays

43 BC - Ovid, Roman poet
1741 - Jean Antoine Houdon, French sculptor
1836 - Sir Edward Poynter, British painter
1951 - Jimmie Vaughan, American blues guitarist

A few deaths

1727 O.S. - Sir Isaac Newton, English physicist
1619 - Mathias, Holy Roman Emperor
1865 - Keisuke Yamanami, Japanese samurai

Holidays

The vernal equinox usually occurs on this day.
The second day of Quinquatria in ancient Rome, held in honor of Minerva.
New Year of Iranian Calendar: Norouz occurs on the vernal equinox.

happy birthday to me- sisss boooom bah,

rock out to a dear friend of mine who is here

Andrew Wyeth-Crows (Study for Woodshed) 1944 Gouache and ink on paper

Ah, I wish I had more time to really consider my paintings. I am always grabbing time for them here and there. I am usually so tired when I get to them that I miss simple considerations. I am still to static, my color utilitarian and the nuances within it simply descriptive and not constructive. I am still a simple repeater, a mimic creating a language but not fully understanding its every nuance. To get that I need to look more, spend blocks of time with the work unencumbered by the buzzing of deadlines in my head. I am playing it safe, not breaking out beyond my comfort zone for the pure reason of my fear of not being successful with the work. Fear seems to be the worn refrain, fear, fear, fear, fear....

Bird Snow Angel

The hardest part of artmaking is living your life in such a way that your work gets done, over and over- and that means, among other things, finding a host of practices that are just plain useful. A piece of art is the surface expression of a life lived within productive patterns. ... Once you have found the work you are meant to do, the particulars of any single piece don't matter all that much.

-Art and Fear Observations on the Perils and Rewards of Artmaking -David Bayles and Ted Orland

Last night I attended this exhibit, filled with people I mostly do not know and if I do know them not well enough to have any conversation of merit. So I circulated looking at the work and pretending to be more interested in it then I really was.

I wound up speaking to someone I rather loathe, he is a pompous arrogant ass. It was an exercise in self-control to smile and ask demure flattering questions. He prattled on about himself arms crossed over his large frame. He smiled down through his small glasses that covered his heavy brow. Oh well this and this and this... on and on as if I cared so much to listen.

I do poorly in crowds, self-conscious and wanting more from words then trying to invent some common ground. Give me meaning instead, but I shy away realizing as I hugged my friend that she has somehow been a snake to me. I could feel it, somehow she has done damage and again another quiet bite leaves a numbness.

I left as soon as I could filled with that familiar heavy sadness that so often catches me lately. How can I possibly shine so bright? I hate my own weakness and I cannot solve it by hiding in my work.

American Robin

OUT DEEP

We are a boat without love. Love

Works a way through the current,

Headed for us, waving. It is

Unclear to whom she speaks;

It is even possible

Something behind us

Moves her. We came

All this way for the unbroken

Water and such light I can no longer see

Where we are. You must

Guide me: nothing more can be done

If we are to get to shore. In return

I will keep your story,

The one you will tell the others

When we get home.

-Sophie Cabot Black

Hirst a rich brit

ok, I should really be working, but read about the most (wealthy) successful artist in the world here -someone told me a story about how one of his pickled animals spilled at Soethby's and they had to evacuated because of the toxicity of it. It was re-filled and sold for some ungodly amount of money.

Cooties

I have taken this one from Antonia on Flowerville, since I am really in the mood to procrastinate on my massive workload. Like she and her predecessor I am skipping the omitted questions and not procrastinating enough to invent new ones.

1.Do you like cheese?
Yes, but I cannot eat it since I am not supposed to eat dairy-but I like all different kinds

2.Have you ever smoked heroin?
No I take my crazy straight

3. Do you own a gun?
No

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
(ok the stupid italic button is causing all kinds of mayhem so I apologize dear reader, this will henceforth be in italics)
It depends on what they plan on doing to me

6. What do you think of hot dogs?
no, thanks not my kind of wiener

7. What is your favorite Christmas Song?
God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Diet Pepsi

9. Can you do push ups?
yes

10. Is your bathroom clean?
cluttered, but sanitary

11. What is your favorite piece of jewelry?
the amber necklace my mother got me

13. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
hmmm, secret to me as well perhaps

14. Do you have friends?
yep

16. Middle Name
Kateri

17. Name3 thoughts at this exact moment
I have work I should be doing instead
I hope I get everything done tonight
I don't want to work tomorrow

19. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink:
diet pepsi
water
tea

20. Current worry?
How much I worry

21. Current Hate?
How much I worry

22. Favorite place to be?
In my studio

23. How did you bring in the new year?
In bed asleep-yes I am a live one folks

24. Where would you like to go?
To New York City

27. Do you own slippers?
why on earth would anyone care-but yes- I should get steel toed ones for the amount of times my constantly under the feet dogs step on my toes

28. What shirt are you wearing?
something ultra glam and sexy, use your imagination reader

29. Do you burn or tan?
I am so pale I reflect the sun and stay ivory all year long

30. Favorite Color?
Red Ochre

31. Would you be a pirate?
Yes but I would have to have a parrot and a fast ship, with a cutlass

32. What songs do you sing in the shower?
I invent my own

35. What is in your pocket right now?
nothing

36. Last thing that made you laugh?
Joking about being covered in plaster today with fellow workers

37. Best bed sheets as a child?
Ones with old fashioned pictures on them of landscapes, I would feel like I was sleeping in a million different places

38. Worst injury you've ever had?
My hip slipped out when I was in grade school and my gym teacher made me try to run the relay anyway. I collapsed on the grass and was laughed at, and had to have surgery.

39. What is your biggest pet peeve?
hmmm.... false people- how long these things take

40. How many TV's do you have in your home?
2

41. Who is your loudest friend?
M she is a big flirt

42. Who is your most silent friend?
most of them since I am too busy to see them (...I should be working....guilt)

44. Do you wish on shooting stars?
yes but it never comes true

45. What is your favorite book?
In the interest of not causing a book revolt in my library I will not choose one

46. What is your favorite sweet?
honey

47. What song do/did you want played at your wedding?
too much effort right now, so I will skip it

48. What song do you want played at your funeral?
Kate Wolf -an Unfinished Life

49. What were you doing at 12AM last night?
Trying to sleep and not think of yesterday

50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
I was having a nice little dream and how rude the alarm is.

there I have successfully wasted a ton of time. Off to get all my paperwork in order etc etc etc ...........

damn, there is trouble with the gallery show and I am not sure they will show both my father and I. Damn. I wonder if I can get him a show on his own, or somehow fix it. I will have to call tomorrow. Apparently I am counting chickens instead of eggs.
ugh.

The look on my dad's face was pure happiness. He was trying to act cool about it but he couldn't hide a childlike mirth that seemed to radiate out of him. You have work to do, I chided him with humor. I have accomplished my goal of getting a show for us this coming October. It was so good to see his obvious delight. For a moment he was moved as I commented on all of the people we could invite. He fought back some tears, as he has since his cancer at times. It is as if life touches him more since these days almost feel stolen from death that was so close before. It felt good to give this back to him.

twa corbies

Fallen into
Fall in love
Fall out of favor
Fallen
Falling
Fall
Fall down
wind Fall
Fall over
Falling down drunk
Falling off a log
Falling head over heels
Falling into a trap
Falling water
water fall
free fall
...

I do not want to wind up becoming a technician in my painting and I think that is what I should come out of that discussion with. That there should be places of effortless disregard in the painting that are intentional and much more profound then endless perfection of technique. That of course takes confidence and the ability to know when to stop trying to create a sense of realism. I need to have a greater reliance on my own translation of what I am seeing and create a sense of poetry of expression. That is what great painters have, above and beyond technicians, a method of emotional painting that evokes the same response within the viewer. I think I began to understand this the other night when I was at the local gallery. I was immersed in the paintings, while the gallery itself was filled with life. It was a celebration and I was moved by the art becoming alive as it was surrounded by its human family. Of course, this connection is what really makes a masterpiece, the artist speaking with their human family.

Sweet Ophelia
forced here in shadow
I hear him- far away muffled
the loss stings
Ophelia share your madness
bring out your wines
of bitter head
let's dance on the
river bottom
and throw life
like pansies
into the wind

by the Corbyhawk herself

Trumpet of the Swans

a true story:
Someone I know is getting a divorce, to prevent it she decided to attend a counseling session for people with "control issues". She did not return after the first meeting because -she did not like how it was run and she could do a much better job of running it herself.

Birds sing like we do read here

A drawing of mine, it is ok, rare that I actually put any work on this but why not throw caution to the wind tonight.

There's rosemary, that's for remembrance; pray,
love, remember: and there is pansies. that's for thoughts.


-Ophelia in Shakespeare's Hamlet

But what did he see there in the clear water? He saw his own reflection, and he was no longer a clumsy, grey, ugly bird- he was a swan himself.

It makes no difference where you are born, even in a poultry yard, if you have hatched out of a swan's egg!

-Hans Christian Anderson- The Ugly Duckling

When, in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes,

I all alone beweep my outcast state

And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries

And look upon myself and curse my fate,

Wishing me like to one more rich in hope,

Featured like him, like him with friends possess'd,

Desiring this man's art and that man's scope,

With what I most enjoy contented least; Shakespeare from Sonnet 29

I must tell you bloggers that I want very much to be a great painter someday
and I work and work at it as much as I can
it is slow progress and I find myself losing my faith in it
but what I cannot express well is that I need to do it
as a redemption as a means to creating some reason to be

I think I find being misunderstood the most disappointing thing
I use you as a mirror and lament my own mediocrity
The sadness of standing behind you and knowing that we can only fight our own battle
wishing somehow you would respect me and see the lengths I have gone to earn it from you
after I have championed you to so many, these are words you do not hear
songs you think unsung
what I see is your own anger and sadness
and even after we have danced in a sour tongue
I still will sing them for you have more merit then one off note