thief

But as she broke off the flowers at the same moment the twelve brothers were changed into twelve crows, and flew off into the forest....

-The Twelve Brothers Grimm's Fairy Tales

Very tired tonight-lots and lots of hiking-

this website is pretty funny, if you have that odd off-key humor that I have....here

I was not always polite, not always biddable. The monotony bored me. I despised the everlasting red tape, the sheep-like stupidity. What one did, all did, and because they always had done such and such it meant that they always must.

-Emily Carr

living on the edge

Nature is well adapted to our weakness as to our strength...We are made to exaggerate the importance of what work we do; and yet how much is not done by us! ...So thoroughly and sincerely are we compelled to live, reverencing our life, and denying the possibility of change. This is the only way, we say; but there are as many ways as there can be drawn radii from one centre. All change is a miracle to contemplate; but it is a miracle which is taking place at every instant.

...I think that we may safely trust a good deal more than we do.

-Thoreau

memory

...I find you

Tamer of dark
butterflies!
I keep along the way.
After a thousand years are gone
you'll see me,
o my night love!

By the blue footpath,
tamer of dark
stars,
I'll make my way.
Until the universe
can fit inside
my heart.

[...]

-From Curve by Federico Garcia Lorca

hanging on to this fish

by the toenail

A Lament
by Percy Bysshe Shelley

O World! O Life! O Time!
On whose last steps I climb,
Trembling at that where I had stood before;
When will return the glory of your prime?
No more -Oh, never more!

Out of the day and night
A joy has taken flight:
Fresh spring, and summer, and winter hoar
Move my faint heart with grief, but with delight
No more -Oh, never more!

The ocean is
the Lucifer of blue.
The sky fallen
for wanting to be light.

-from Ocean by Federico Garcia Lorca

sad sad sad sad sad sad
I don't want to lose him
I don't want to lose him
I have lost too much
I will send good thoughts


I will be offline for a bit away from technology

stare into my little beedy eye if you dare...

I have often been lost on the sea
with my ear full of fresh-cut flowers,
with my tongue full of agony and love.
Often I have been lost on the sea,

-from Ghazal of the Flight by Frederico Garcia Lorca

Arguably I fall off the boat, when I think oh yes and I can just let him go. Then reality sets in, the reality of tomorrow being my last day there. No more meetings...

shine your thang..

You know, I don't want to be filled with longing anymore. I cannot answer the question of what someone else is thinking unless I ask them. There is no mystery, no romantic code, you ask and you know. I was never brave enough to ask, hence I am never going to know. That sucks but I cannot sit and not live because of it. I love this person, I do without question but I do not know how they feel about me. I should remedy this, I should ask. Life is short and shadows are dark and long. I am tired of shadows.

Trumpeter

Earth

We walk on
an unsilvere
mirror,
a crystal surface
without clouds.
If lilies woud grow
backwards,
if all those roots
could see the stars
& the dead not close
their eyes,
we would become like swans.

Fredrico Garcia Lorca

Cat Bird

A confused king penguin dad here.

Heros for Sagebrush habitat, can the tide be turning read here.

dream dream dream dream
he is such a dream
lovely dancing eyes
I wish he knew how a moment
could make my day
I wish he knew it is him
I was brave and went to him
I will miss seeing him
even for those snatches of moments
a dream a sweet sweet beautiful dream

House Wren

The wren

The wren lay cold in my palm
I once believed my breath
Could make him live again
Fly-off –continue on his way
I stare at his empty eye
It dries out
Sinks away
Rotten bone
In a cape of feathers
Despite belief
Will not fill again
With air

By the Corbyhawk

some cute to tide you over...

yeah whas up wi' that

white-throated sparrow

I thought myself so much to the earliest leaf and the fist meadow orchis-so important that I should note the first zeezee of the titlark-- that I should pronounce it summer, because now the oaks were green; I must not miss a day nor an hour in the fields lest something should escape me.... But today I have to listen to the lark's song-not out of doors with him, but through the windowpane... They manage without me very well; they know their times and seasons-not only the civilized rooks, with their libraries of knowledge in their old nests of reference... They go on without me. Orchis flower and cowslip-I cannot number them all-I hear as it were, the patter of their feet-flower and bud and the beautiful clouds that go over, with the sweet rush of rain and burst of sun glory among the leafy trees. They go on, and I am no more than the least of the empty shells that strewed the sward of the hill. Nature sets no value upon life, neither mine nor of the larks that sang years ago. The earth is all in all to me, but I am nothing to the earth: it is bitter to know this before you are dead. These delicious violets are sweet for themselves; they were not shaped and coloured and gifted with that exquisite proportion and adjustment of odour and hue for me. High up against the grey cloud I hear the lark through the window singing and each note falls into my heart like a knife.

-Richard Jeffries "Hours of Spring" -1886

Today would have been my dad's 73rd birthday. I miss him and wish I could see him again. I painted his portrait-

looking back

How shall I hold my soul that it may not Be touching yours?
How shall I lift it then
Above you to where other things are waiting?
Ah, gladly would I lodge it, all forgot,
With some lost thing the dark is isolating
On some remote and silent spot that, when
Your depths vibrate, is not itself vibrating.
You and me - all that lights upon us, though,
Brings us together like a fiddle-bow
Drawing one voice from two strings it glides along.
Across what instrument have we been spanned?
And what violinist holds us in his hand?
O sweetest song.

-Rainer Maria Rilke

falling apart
falling away
falling in love again and again with him
falling over my words
falling over a brown cord. jacket
falling over my own stupidity
falling over my feet trying to run
falling in time to my heartbeat
falling over an old line
falling in love with you
again and again
falling and then more heartbreak
falling into reality
falling apart
falling
the architecture of falling
your lip
you
I fell for you
I fell for it
fall fell falling
felt
everything
I am trying to believe in you
but you are not seeing it
falling blindly
falling into the abyss
needing to learn to fly
crash and burn

Blue-headed vireo

There is no one to dance with here, my favs seem to be quiet or leaving and I find that I am getting boring on this myself. Perhaps it is time for me to sign off? I am never good at endings. I am just so busy every night I cannot even breathe, so mostly I am tired. On the nights I am free the one a week lately, I want to paint. The other nights I work or swim to stay in shape and try to keep my head above the water. Mostly I want to paint, but tonight it is clunky. I am not really into the birds tonight and find I am laboring over what should not be labored over. If I had more time I would push past that feeling and keep working, but now it is already time to get ready for an early start to work. I have to start early tomorrow and stay late... then swim then get ready for my long day on Tues. No time to even dream. Do you think this stills my longing? No, oh no it makes me sad that once again time is passing and once again I will not see him much, when I want to see him often. I hate that stupid time, I wish I could just forget it all, but I cannot. I have yet to find a cure for him. Ah well, better to dream big and love crazy and live. I shouldn't complain he is wonderful over there, perfect. I will keep walking up the mountain and hope our paths cross yet again. I believe they might. I will sing you to me.

behind bars

It was good that I had a quiet day because the week went to proverbial hell. Crap then crap and then hey just when you thought you could get through ok, major crap. I am beaten, lacking self-esteem and just plain worn out. Some people have alot of sad things happening... how I wish I could just sit at your feet for a while and listen to you tell me the stories of your life. To hear the soft lilt of his voice and the warmth of his words would be wonderful... exile... foreigner... dancer... singer... storyteller...translator...painter... writer... do we have the energy for one more solid go around before we exit this floor? I do, as ever I do.

Hi my lovelies, work was not so bad today. Tonight I was able to paint for a bit and do not have a tremendous amount on my plate. Just quiet...a quiet little day.

waiting

Dad what are the waters of heaven like?
I tried to paint you to bring you back
for a moment to remember
mom cried when she saw you
"its him its him!"
but it is only paint and time
everyday we lose you
over and over
you are our unanswered prayer
the silence of the moments
when I am once again emptied by loss
I wish I could paint you real
paint you a river to ride home upon


-By the Corbyhawk- 3 months today I lost my best friend... :-(

stay positive

When I see you
my eyes grow black
like a crow's wing
and darken sky blue
I stare too closely
the silky wet of your lips
edged with wisps
I want to brush against
Spring is here
the maddness of wanting
I feel the heat everywhere
I wait in hope
preen before me
dance and caw
let me watch you
glorious spring
the best seat in the house
a dream worth dreaming
a desire that floods me with life again

-By the Corbyhawk herself

do you think this yellow makes my feet look big?

I am going to concentrate on staying positive and hopeful. Today was an excellent, wonderful, dreamy day.

Double masculine

sparkle orchid

Some idiot is shooting California Condors at Big Sur! Read about the stupidity of humanity here.

Life is a nightmare lately, so many things just creeping up on me. I do not ever have the luxury of ignoring them, out they come these beasts. No break for you and yes I am angry about it. You try to be kind and people bite off your hands. Ok, then let's dance because my anger motivates me to do my very best and I will do what I need to do in this life. I will work harder then you and play smarter and take what is due me. This woman who pretends to be my friend will not get in the way of my dreams. Step out of my light. I have battled worse demons and she thinks she will take away a job I have always dreamed of. NO WAY.

no owl today

Blow wind to where my loved one is,
Touch him and come and touch me soon,
I'll feel his gentle touch through you,
And meet his beauty in the moon.

-Ramayana

I have been touch and go with posting but I am trying to heal. I want to be more healthy in spirit and deserving of what I seek from the world. So back to work, enough of the feel sorry for the self thing, and life hits hard sometimes but one must keep dancing. This also means I am taking better care of myself, my heart and my mind. I am trying to break negative patterns and move forward into a more productive place. I am seeing things and still dreaming. I will not let go of what I believe in and I know I will find what I need when I need it. I have not lost my faith in the world.

Corby Hawk

To live in this world

you must be able
to do three things:
to love what is mortal;
to hold it

against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go.

Mary Oliver

I am in lots of pain tonight my friends, I just wish it would stop it is crippling me and I wish so much for just a bit of joy.

I went into a mine once, deep into the dark cool earth. It smelled musty and seemed suffocating as I went deeper and deeper down into the dark. I felt lost and wondered what I was doing there, but then the guide shined a light along the cool stone walls. Suddenly the walls glowed with the sparkle of the hidden gold shimmered before me like magic. Even in the darkest place there is still magic, a hidden vein of gold.

Oh and Colonel Brandon, I miss your Nature Diary blog :-(

I have decided that I am going to worry less and do what I want for the next two weeks, so there. It is my time and I am putting what I want on this blog without the usual self-censorship. It is part of the just say no campaign, no to negative, no to sorrow, no to not living, no to crap, no to taking care of other people's crap. I rock, so there.

April fools on the Carolina Parakeet folks, sadly...

Did it get yah? Thanks to Bird Chick blog for finding this authentic looking press release.
It is a great blog check it out on my side bar, I am a fan.

A Carolina Parakeet has been found!!!

Grackle

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the praries and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting--
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

Wild Geese by Mary Oliver

River Rat

I paint the river
as your breath
your voice
as the world saying goodbye
a tribute to you
The fishing was good, dad
you pulled up your first
Dolly Varden
at dawn your smile
I wanted them all on your line
magic fish
your eyes scanned the water
with wonder.
We shared that silver
it was yours as much as mine
I hooked it
you brought it in
It told me
you were dying
I looked away my eyes full
aware always aware I'd remember
I still cry dad,
still have that bit of twisted line
that held the fish on.

By the Corbyhawk herself

Heart 3 Head 1

There is only one me, you can look for a replacement but you will not find one. I am absolutely unique in the universe, there is no one quite like me.

heart and mind

The mind is tired of no

Tell your heart not to love him
not to race with passion
as it sees him
Renegade organ
I see through your blood reflection
that colors all things.
No you cannot get closer
and hope he will fold you
in his arms.
Blind heart
empty chambers of ruin
the world lays open
as dark as lost hope
the heart renews itself
the fools errand of change
you are constantly stung
stop wishes, stop dreams
heart you cannot lead me
I do not see any clear path
to his elusive destination
heart endlessly you drag me in circles
while he stands silent in the center
Every word is not an open innuendo
he has your number
and he will never call


The heart is tired of no

I give you life
in every glance
divided
I crave his lips, his skin
the dusting of silver
at his temples
I make you crave more
then mediocrity
my hope a surge of joy
that paints the world with
the possibility of him
do not feel bad to feel
mind you cower in the corner
afraid to speak
loving him does not fail him
a puritan life with a seeker's passion
I am the window
that colors your dreams
Even when you sleep
I beat on without ceremony
I will not fail you
all life is ash

-in need of some edits but by the Corbyhawk

What lips my lips have kissed, and where, and why,
I have forgotten, and what arms have lain
Under my head till morning; but the rain
Is full of ghosts tonight, that tap and sigh
Upon the glass and listen for reply,
And in my heart there stirs a quiet pain
For unremembered lads that not again
Will turn to me at midnight with a cry.
Thus in winter stands the lonely tree,
Nor knows what birds have vanished one by one,
Yet knows its boughs more silent than before:
I cannot say what loves have come and gone,
I only know that summer sang in me
A little while, that in me sings no more.

Edna St. Vincent Millay



-I am ever sad and ever older
no one wants in
no one calls
the doorway is empty
no arms lift me up
no cheery voice calls my name
utters it like a prayer
no glimpses of heaven
no more dreams of joy
no more wishes of love
I am ever sad and ever broken
my heart slipped by and does not answer.
-Corby

In the beginning of the dream she died, his love. She was walking with a friend when a bomb went off. We walked over that space together, where she had been before she disappeared. The residents watched us, it was like a town square. He grabbed me, he was a tall man with dark curly hair and whispered his laments for her in my ear in some strange language as he grasped me to him. He loved her still but I stood there with him, wishing he loved me. I was my usual tall self, as tall as he was. We wandered through some very messy and seemingly abandoned rooms full of old clothes and other random household things. I followed him. We then were riding in a bus through the streets of this old European city. The buildings were gothic in style and towered above us flanked by giant trees. We went into a store where a woman stood behind a counter. It seemed like a tent, yellowish interior. I reached around to a small bird that was sitting on a nest. It was grey and downy. I reached to get it on my hand but it would not jump up. The bird's nest and everything in the store started swinging. The products fell onto the floor so I followed the man out. Then suddenly it was dark out and he and I were riding down a muddy farm road. He told me that he believed that heaven was in this world and I agreed. I said I wished I could run through a forest of the giant ancient trees like it once was. He said but we have had to have the fields and farms to support the animals so that we could thrive. I agreed glad that he was sharing with me and then I woke up. I am left wondering at this strange dream of a world and person I do not know.

Birds are in decline, get more information about it here at the state of the birds report for the United States.

I won't lie today sucked too, fights crazy sad dreams, ugh.

You have been worrying too much about what other people need and not enough about your own desires. As from today you need to turn that on its head and worry only about what is best for you personally. Is that selfish? Maybe, but so what?

My birthday horoscope for today from the New York Times

That about sums it up but generally my birthday sucked
I don't harbor any big hopes for this year. I am kind of done with hope, it leads only to heart crushing disappointment time and time again.

snow geese

I am sorry I have been very busy with work and rather uninspiring lately. I should not say it but I dream it... I should not dream it, but I do.... I should not but to say that I do not would be lying... I want to reach right through everything and run my fingers over his cheek, down to his lips...
yep my muse still gets me and I am always looking forward to a potential run in....

As I paint him he appears and then disappears. For a moment I am struck by the recognition of creating the face I have seen my entire life and then it is gone again. Like a dance, I patiently paint the steps until it is right, it has to be right, perfectly so. This is the legacy I can leave, a catching of one singular moment of his life. It was the day I realized he was leaving me forever, but then he is here behind me, admiring the work. I have seen this painting for ages, lifetimes , and I am still unsure of what he gazes at. What does he see that makes just a hint of a smile? This is as much from memory as life, from all the times before he died that I sketched him. I paint his skin pink and flush with life, not yellow, not sick. He is well here although he is softly dying, like a whisper we could not hear. Even now I ache for missing him, his protection, his love for me that never ended, even now. He will attend his show, here in this painting I will give him a voice there. I am an artist's daughter. Someone helped me get here today, someone I love. Thank you...for reminding me.

two swans with a goose

Wait here and feed your soul while I am gone
on comfort and good hope; I will not leave you
to wander in this underworld alone...

...and I stay on in doubt with yes and no
dividing all my heart to hope and fear...

Dante Alighieri -Inferno

Ok, back from work tonight only to find this article about taking out nature terms in children's dictionaries. Read and wonder here.

flying off

No coward's eye should light by my consenting!
Evil may be endured when our days pass
in mourning, heavy-hearted, hard beset,
if only sleep reign over nighttime, blanketing
the world's good and evil from our eyes.
But not for me: dreams too my demon sends me.
Tonight the image of my lord came by
as I remember him with troops. O strange
exultation! I thought him real, and not a dream.

Homer the Odyssey

and I am done with the dark cover of guilt. I will not feel it anymore, I feel how I feel and that is that....

Courtesy of Birdchick blog amazing photos of gulls stealing ice cream.

Tundra swans in the fog

In this way I study my life.
It is,
I think today,
like a dusty glass vase.

A little water,
a few flowers would be good,
I think;
but do nothing, Love is far away.
Incomprehensible sunlight falls on my hand.

From Respite by Jane Hirshfield

So have a snowy owl

I am horribly dull lately, so sorry no new exciting post. I am stewing in a good way, sort of in-between ideas, about to make some necessary major life changes. So be patient my good readers I will hopefully be posting something of interest soon...

I swear I heard him call my name today. I was remembering as I walked over the brick walkway, how hundreds of times I have gone there. I was thinking about how much I loved it there and how my past and future selves could merge, that maybe somewhere there was a hidden alcove of joy in me. I clung to it as I walked, the first I have felt in so long. I could sense that spring was coming and I wanted to fall on my knees and weep at the beauty of it. This long sad winter can end, it must end as all seasons do. I have been gathering my strength in being alone with my sadness, it has been so good for me. I do not have to answer to anyone, be anything for anyone, just go to work come home and do what I feel like doing. So I walked and remembered, for a second I thought I heard him, so I turned but no one was there.

The Black Vulture

Aloof upon the day's immeasured dome,
He holds unshared the silence of the sky.
Far down his bleak, relentless eyes descry
The eagle's empire and the falcon's home--
Far down, the galleons of sunset roam;
His hazards on the sea of morning lie;
Serene, he hears the broken tempest sigh
Where cold sierras gleam like scattered foam.

And least of all he holds the human swarm--
Unwitting now that envious men prepare
To make their dream and its fulfillment one,
When, poised above the cauldrons of the storm,
Their hearts, contemptuous of death, shall dare
His roads between the thunder and the sun.

George Sterling

I SING the Body electric;
The armies of those I love engirth me, and I engirth them;
They will not let me off till I go with them, respond to them,
And discorrupt them, and charge them full with the charge of the Soul.
Was it doubted that those who corrupt their own bodies conceal themselves;	5
And if those who defile the living are as bad as they who defile the dead?
And if the body does not do as much as the Soul?
And if the body were not the Soul, what is the Soul? Walt Whitman

hmmm had to post this to have my posts show up

Rough-legged Hawk

The air this morning,
blowing between fog and drizzle,

is like a white dog in the snow
who scents a white bear in the snow
who is not there.

Deeper than seeing,
deeper than hearing,
they stand and glare, one at the other.

So many listen lost, in every weather.

The mind has mountains,
Hopkins write, against his sadness.

The dog held the bear at bay, that day.

Jane Hirschfield Dog and Bear

It is a love story
the old fashioned kind
the complexity of wanting all of you
but letting go when needed
paring it down to the basic elements
of shape and color
a necessary change in approach
to render the feeling right
and I love you
so I draw a simple line
one that continues to your page
and bursts forth in a thousand shapes and colors
that light up your face
enough perhaps small joy
just to know you smile
think of me then
I draw up my brush
to paint something new
I will always be here
even when you fade from view
I carry your memory
and the hope of some other life
where I can touch you as my own

-Corby

no matter how much I want it, no one comes
so I cry alone on the floor of my studio
and pick myself up
wipe off my face
and go on
no one holds me here
there is no spirit angel to guide me
just a collection of paintings
and a stained carpet
my forever is an illusion
remembered in paint a dying language
insignificant and unyielding
it is not a real future
it is not a warm embrace
a loving smile with a kiss
just so
no the house is silent
like the end of one heartbeat before the next one
It is not a mystery they alone stand to comfort me
I have given them my time not friends,
not to love,
the world goes on but somehow today
I cannot
now even they are gone from me
how can I translate their meaning
the brush falls from my hands
and streaks the canvas
like my tears
I can no longer paint pretty dreams

-Corby